A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."

it's an old one...
johny's working on his language skills, and he's picking up new words everyday.
it's a night before thanks-giving and he walks into his parents having sex... the parents talk dirty about each other's privates, and johny asks them what's a dick and pussy? They reply, "err, it means hats and coats johny". he acknowledges, and goes back to sleep. on thanks-giving morning his parents got into a fight and swore at each other... johny asks them what bitches and bastards were, they reply, "umm... it means ladies and gentlemen. he does the same and walks off.
before the guests arrive, his mother's preparing the turkey, she cuts herself and says "FUCK", johny asks it's meaning, and she says "err.. it means cut, u know as in cutting the turkey".
johny walks across the bathroom where his dad's shaving, he also cuts himself and says "SHIT", johny asks for its meaning, and the father replies, "it means shaving cream johny".
the door rings, and johny opens the door to welcome the guests, "Please hang your dicks and pussies off the hooks, while my mom finishes fucking the turkey, and my dad completes wiping the shit off his face"
XD that took a while to type

There's two muffins in an oven. One muffin says, "Boy it's hot in here!". The other muffin says, "AAAHHH! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

A dude tells another "Hey, I have HIV"

And the other dude replies "Hey, at least you're not Manicho!"

*Knock knock*

Paralex: Alice, you're hot. Let me tap that.
Alice: Shut up...
Paralex: Please! I wanna have the same feeling that a baby first has...
Alice: What is that? It's first breath?
Paralex: No, it's first breast.


^^^ Actual conversation 2 weeks ago with a girl who sits next to me in Calculus.

To get the answers, just hold your mouse over the text for a moment.


What is brown and blue and jumps up and down?


What is black and white and goes 70 km/h?


What is brown and grey and runs 200km/h?


How do you know an elephant have been in your fridge?


How do you know an elephant is in your fridge?


How do you know a mole is in your fridge?

What time do elephants climb forest trees?

Entra un pollito a un bar, y golpea el mostrador mientras pregunta al cantinero: "Tienes uvas?" a lo que el cantinero extrañado contesta: "No.". El pollito se queda callado y se marcha. Al dia siguiente, la misma situación, el pollo entra al bar, golpea y pregunta: "Tienes uvas?!"... El cantinero, aun, mas asombrado, contesta: "No."... Lo mismo se repite varios dias y el cantinero esta ya encabronado... un dia entra el pollo al bar, y repite su misma pregunta: "Tienes uvas?". El cantinero con la cara roja del coraje contesta: "NO!!!, y si vuelves a entrar aqui a preguntar si tengo uvas, voy a cojer el martillo y te voy a clavar las manos del mostrador!!!!"... El pollito sale asustado sin decir una palabra. Al dia siguiente, entra el pollo nuevamente al bar. El cantinero lo mira con asombro. Se acerca al mostrador y pregunta en silencio: "Tienes... clavos?"... El cantinero contesta calmado: "No."... y el pollo le dice: "Ah, y uvas?"...